I'm Sorry, But You're STILL Not Real
by MirroringShadows
Summary: In which the Cullens face a  possibly crazy  stranger - again. A sequel to 'I'm Sorry, But You're Not REAL'.


**A/N: A sequel to my fic, **_**I'm Sorry, But You're Not REAL. **_**Again, the whole scientific lecture bit is entirely the brainchild of my friend Lyra.**

The Cullens were spending the day doing something with a few members of the Volturi. What were they doing? Well, I'm not sure. I'm not even sure _they_ were sure. It was almost as if they had been not-so-cleverly set-up...

Sure enough, a few seconds later, a familiar girl burst into the house, her coat flapping behind her. She pulled it off dramatically and threw it over her shoulder before striding self-importantly forth. The Volturi members looked severely confused. The Cullens looked severely annoyed. The girl looked severely above-it-all. "Good morning, good morning, sit down, please," she waved her hand, as though the occupants of the room were particularly fussy students of hers, "You remember the previous chat we had, I hope. It seems to me that you have not followed up to my demands." She glared at them. "_What_ demands?" Alice tried to ask, but the girl cut her off: "Today, I shall continue my lecture. We shall start by discussing something very important: body temperature!" She began pacing, tapping her pencil to her palm. "It appears that you vampires have icy skin. Generally, most beings are warm or cold-blooded. But even cold blooded animals have a 'warm' body temperature; it's just the fact that their body is not producing heat at all. You, however, seem to have bodies that _behave _like marble." She shuddered, like having marble bodies was a capital crime. "How on _Earth_ do your bodies function? Then again," she mused, "Your bodies are not really functioning. You creatures are not obeying the laws of physics! What happened to good old E=mc square? Crushed and _stomped_ into dust, apparently." She violently jumped around a bit to demonstrate. The whole room had now deduced that she was insane. "Black holes have permission to violate these rules, I guess, due to their intense mysteriousness and such, but this? It's plain stupid."

"Are you calling us _stupid_?" Emmett pulled himself up to his full height and frowned down at the girl. She didn't seem remotely frightened; instead, she frowned back. "Yes, I am," she said dismissively, "Now, where was I? Ah, yes. On to the juicier stuff: extra-vampiric senses, or whatever you want to call it. Now, it appears vampires (certain ones) have extra sense. Like mind reading (works like a radio), precognition (not the actual future), influencing emotions (isn't that called charisma?)."

"How does she know?" Jane asked Esme, perplexed. Esme just shook head. "Don't ask questions. We don't want to fuel her more."

The girl, meanwhile, had made her way to Edward. "You. The mind reader." She turned back to her audience. "It's almost as if he's like a radio," she explained, as though Edward wasn't there, "All I can imagine is that he can somehow detect the otherwise undetectable waves that thoughts emanate. And where did that come from, anyway? He had sensitivity to thoughts in this human life? You are kidding me!" She then moved on to Alice. "You have that...precognition...thing. I have nothing to say to this since there have been reports of people having visions since 18th century." She gave Alice an approving nod, as though she should care that her power was being deemed probable by a lunatic. "However, Alice's gift, to me, has _a lot_ of loopholes." She sighed. "Now, on to Jasper. The emotion influencer. This brings us back to the point of - where the heck does emotion come from? Apparently, it rolls of Jasper's body and can make _your_ body feel that emotion." She began prodding Jasper with her pencil, as though trying to find some holes in his skin. "Is emotion the work of hormones or a state of mind? Charisma, to a certain extent, I can understand, but this is out of the ball park." She gave Jasper one last poke before going on to Bella. "You have the mind shield, right? Well, I don't know what to say about that." She paused and scratched her chin. "Occlumency?"

"Wait, what?" Bella tried to ask, but the girl had already swept on to Aro. "You, too, are a sort of mind reader. With a single touch, he can see every thought you've ever had. How does that work? If he touches you for a single sentence, does that let him into every nook and cranny of your head? What about if you continue to make contact for a substantial amount of time? If we go back to the radio thing, Aro can not only sense these 'signals' in close proximity, but can sense the traces of every thought you've ever had as if etched into your body.

"Now on to Marcus. The..._relationship senser_." She said it sneeringly. "This is not hard at _all_. It's called _'reading body language'_. Personally, I'm not impressed."

"And I _completely_ care about what _you_ think," Marcus tried to say, but the girl was already talking loudly about Jane. "Jane can cause pain in your mind. Really? To me, this power seems like a work of fiction."

"That's because it _is_, you foolish girl!" Jane screamed, heartily sick of the whole business, "This whole setting is a _work of fiction_!"

The girl stepped away, looking affronted but cool. "I suggest you take her on a visit to the psychiatrist," she said loftily, "She doesn't appear to be quite right in the head."  
>"She's not the only one," Emmett muttered, as the girl (mercifully) swept out the door. And with that, the vampires decided to save their dignity by pretending nothing had happened.<p>

And so they did.


End file.
